I'm lost and stupid without you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
