i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
