pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
