I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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