Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
