Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
