Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Randomize
