Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
