I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
