All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
