he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
