Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
