aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
