already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
