You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize