I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
