he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
