this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
