Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
two words: eviction party
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
