I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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