If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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