I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What drink are we having for lunch?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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