Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
