I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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