my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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