he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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