so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
