Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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