It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
