either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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