I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
