just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
