this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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