I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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