Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
