captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
