Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
