last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
