I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
