PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
