Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize