no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
