dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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