i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
