I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
