How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize