i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
