I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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