I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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