I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
