: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
