I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
