So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
