i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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