I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
