btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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