so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
