I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
