so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
