i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize