So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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