I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
