If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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