We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
