i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
