So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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